Hye peepil this mghit all be miss spelt bcauz I’m have ben drnunking a lot sense tlast nnighte ysturday. Wyh? Yuoure falt Brent Musburger.

Ah .. HAH HAH! I joke, I joke! I kid, I kid! I’m stone cold sober, but I would be laid up in the Conway Regional Medical Center with a stout case of alcohol poisoning had I participated in the Brent Musburger Drinking Game yesterday during the Fiesta Bowl.

You can click the above link to read the whole rule set, but essentially it makes a game where you have to chug the intoxicants for every inane thing Musburger utters over the course of a game – and that’s a whole lot of mindlessness (and, in turn, a whole lot of booze).

I was having a lovely, peaceful, almost serene day … lying in the bed watching football almost nonstop, breaking only to indulge in some Nachos Mexicanos at Salsa’s Grill. It was a fairly nice day with a good breeze, so I had the window open letting the sun and wind in. My room might’ve even been a bit chilled, but I like it that way – chilly room, warm covers. Iowa had already lost thanks in part to not playing Cy Phillips, Auburn had gone down, and a real defense had just shut down Texas Tech’s offense. The day was going really, really well.

And then comes the dynamic duo of Musburger and Laura freakin’ Quinn.

In case you’ve been living in a cave, under a rock, or just failed to tune in to ABC yesterday afternoon prior to or during the THE Ohio State University/Notre Dame matchup, you should know now that Laura Quinn, the sister of ND quarterback Brady Quinn, is dating tOSU linebacker A.J. Hawk (not to be confused with KCON/KUCA studio engineer and UCA baseball play-by-play man R.J. Hawk, who is actually dating Brady Quinn’s grandmother).

(Going into Musburger Mode here …)

NOW FOLKS … THIS MEANS THAT BRADY QUINN’S SISTER IS DATING THE MAN WHO WILL BE TRYING TO TACKLE HIM ALL DAY LONG! A.J. HAWK IS DATING THE SISTER OF THE MAN HE WILL BE CHASING DOWN ALL DAY LONG!! LAURA QUINN IS BOTH BRADY QUINN’S SISTER AND A.J. HAWK’S GIRLFRIEND!! IMAGINE HOW TORN SHE MUST BE! OH MY GOD, FOLKS! HOW TOUGH IS THIS GAME FOR LAURA QUINN? LOOK AT HER, THE ANGST ON HER FACE!! SHE IS DATING THE LINEBACKER WHO JUST SACKED HER BROTHER!! WHAT WAS SAID DOWN THERE?! WHAT IS GOING THROUGH HER MIND … and as a side note, Notre Dame just punted and OSU ran eight plays. BUT LET’S LOOK AT LAURA QUINN AGAIN … SEE THE INTENSITY!

Totally nauseating. I kept waiting for them to quit with cutting over to her, and just keep the Laura Quinn Cam down in the corner of the screen so that we could see her each move for the entire contest. I think Musburger probably would’ve just ignored the on-field happenings and given us play-by-play of Laura’s facial contortions.

To make matters worse, the woman isn’t nearly as attractive as she, Musburger, and Hawk think she is. I think if you trace her lineage far enough back, you’ll find that she is a ninth cousin to Mr. Ed and maybe a fourth cousin to Rebecca Lobo.

She’s not hideous and you could definitely do a lot worse, but I think most of her allure comes from who her brother and boyfriend are, and makeup. And, to her credit, she does have nice hair. Still, when I’m watching football I would rather see football – not 45 minutes of her.

It’s too bad Musburger doesn’t follow the lead of the late great Harry Caray and just openly booze on-air. If he did, we might’ve got more exciting commentary on the Quinn-Quinn-Hawk story … (back to Musburger mode)

FOLKS, NOTRE DAME QUARTERBACK BRADY QUINN MAY BE LAURA QUINN’S BROTHER, BUT SHE CALLS OHIO STATE LINEBACKER A.J. HAWK DADDY! … AND HAWK JUST SACKED QUINN … BRADY, THAT IS. HE SACKED LAURA LAST NIGHT – THREE TIMES! OH, AND HAWK’S IN THE FAMILIAR POSITION OF BEING ON TOP OF QUINN … WHAT DO YOU THINK THEY ARE SAYING DOWN THERE, FOLKS? I BET HAWK JUST TOLD HIM HOW HE …

And then, thank god, Bob Griese intervenes and lets us know that the second quarter was just played, and that Ohio State is too fast for Notre Dame and the great Charlie Weis. Speaking of which …

FOLKS, THAT IS CLASSIC PARCELLS RIGHT THERE!. THAT IS PAR-CELLS! WEIS STUDIED UNDER BILL PARCELLS, AND THAT IS PARCELLS IF I’VE EVER SEEN IT! AND I HAVE SEEN SOME PARCELLS! AND THAT IS IT! WEIS IS PARCELLS! HE’S THE TASKMASTER! DON’T GIVE CHARLIE WEIS AND HIS FOUR SUPER BOWL RINGS A MONTH TO PREPARE … HE WILL PICK … YOU … APART!. LOOK AT THE PATIENCE WEIS IS SHOWING!! FOLKS, CHARLIE WEIS MAY BE THE GREATEST COLLEGE COACH OF ALL TIME AND I WISH TO TAKE HIS HAND IN MARRIAGE!

Somewhere along the way, Touchdown Jesus and Regular Jesus got together with the Pope, and they came to a consensus to boot God out of his throne and save that seat for Charlie Weis, who studied under not only Bill Belichick but also Bill Parcells. It took me 8:52 of gameplay to realize that Weis wasn’t actually suited up out there. Musburger would have you believe Chaz was the one making tackles, making cuts, catching passes, and performing miracles – all while eating a footlong hot dog.

The game turned out to be a real good one, in spite of Musburger, Laura Quinn, and Lord Weis.

While it’s still in progress (Penn St. just tied it up with :06 in the first half, should take the lead here in a second when they kick the extra point … although anybody familiar with UCA football should know not to take those for granted), the Orange Bowl just didn’t have the same appeal to me. It was so exciting in the first quarter that I actually flipped over to the Discovery Health Channel and (extra point good, PSU leads 14-13) watched a show about peppers – how hot they are, how to remedy the burning sensation in the mouth, and whether they cause ulcers.

For those scoring at home, eating spicy foods does not cause ulcers. It can give one gastrointestinal symptoms similar to what you might feel if you have ulcers, but it doesn’t actually give you any ulcer.

They had these two guys in a pepper store and they fed them different peppers in ascending levels of hotness (or, hotitude, if you prefer). In case you didn’t know (and you probably didn’t), the level of pepper spiciness is measured in Scovilles. A bell pepper registers in at 0 Scovilles, the pepperoncini (the thing you get with your Papa John’s pizza) comes in at 100-500 Scovilles, Jalapenos are anywhere from 2,500-10,000, and cayenne peppers are 30-50,000.

What happens is, this stuff called capsaicin (the hot junk in the peppers, and used in – appropriately – pepper spray) latches onto receptors in your mouth and makes you cry. On the show they were trying different remedies to cool your mouth down … beer, bread, chips, water, etc.

Well, I knew what the best remedy would be before they even went through their first test. A few years ago my buddy Mike and I served in a similar capacity – being guinea pigs for pepper pungency. Our buddy Ryan had made us a bet that if we each ate a habanero pepper, he would buy us dinner at The China Garden in Jonesboro (the best Chinese place west of China). Habaneros are at the top of the Scoville scale, rating anywhere from 80,000-300,000 Scovilles – and the hottest pepper ever recorded was a Habanero that was 577,000. If you’ve never done this, you definitely need to. Buy a Habanero pepper, and eat it. Make sure you have friends and a camera around. You will not regret it. Actually, you will … as it is a very painful experience. Not a discomfort, but an intense pain. And if you do it, drink lots and lots of milk. Milk, as it was later proven by the show, is the best remedy for a seared mouth.

So there’s your science and culinary lesson for the evening. Time to get back to watching Bobby Bowden and Joe Paterno have heart attacks after seeing Ciara on their field.