These same people go out of their way to live their lives as their grandparents did, because that's how it should be. They rationalize everything so that they make themselves feel superior for going about things the 'right' way. LCD or plasma? No thank you. The CRT is the way to go. All this new-fangled flatness is a fad and it's those dadgum Japanese making all that. Give me a good ol' American Zenith console.

I am not that guy. As a matter of fact, I typically want to bash that guy in the face with an iMac and strangle him out with some CAT5 cable.

But, not all change and advancement is good. There are a few instances in which I long for a bygone era... gas prices, the Chicago Cubs announce team, Arkansas Razorback basketball, rap music, the Shop at Home network, Mary Tyler Moore – these are things that have not changed and/or advanced with any sense of improvement. Like a fine wine they are not.

But the decline of one thing that, on a daily basis, bothers me more than anything else is the manner in which sports journalism has evolved through the years. I've ranted about this before and might just turn it into a weekly segment where I pick out 2093834908239023 things that week that bothered me ... but we'll see. For now, I'll stick with a few of the most pressing issues in sports today:

1. Ben Wallace's headband
2. The New York Giants' collective vagina
3. Mike Vick's middle finger
15. North Carolina defeating Ohio State

Somewhere along the way, the fashion trends of the NBA and the media-induced/sensationalized/oversaturated squabbling between Michael Strahan, Plaxico Burress and a punter to be named later have usurped actual sporting events as the big "news".

I flip off, on average, about 18 people a day. Most of this is because people suck at driving, part of it is because people suck at reading bright bulbs flashing DO NOT WALK at them, and part of it is simply because I am intrigued by the reactions that raising a middle finger can get.

(Quick tangent here ... I would like to go back in history and see the first instance of a conscious flip-off. Who decided that the raising of the middle finger would be an indication of animosity? And how did the other guy know how to interpret it? Did the two get together and Guy A say to Guy B "Look pal, I don't like you or the fact you stole my mead ... therefore I am going to raise this finger at you, and you should probably get upset about it. Then go tell your friends."? Why the middle finger? What if somebody had chosen the pinky? And instead of just holding it up, how about wiggling it around? Go get in front of a mirror right now, make the most menacing face you can, and defiantly raise your pinky and wiggle it left to right. Ridiculous, right? Well ... had somebody done things different hundreds of years ago, that'd be the standard practice. Weird how things work out.)

It's a good, quick, harmless way to release your anger. It's much better than a punch, kick, spit, or urination. Just flip the finger, maybe shout something, let the other party return the favor and go about your way. No big deal, right? Well, not for me. For Mike Vick, who probably had good reason for doing what he did, it became a giant ordeal. The anonymous guy in the stands who may have said mean things about Mama Vick or, with the help of some buddies, waved Marcus Vick's rap sheet around, incites Vick and nobody knows who he is or what he did or anything of the sort. Vick calmly reacts with some middle fingers and is villified. And it's a national story. Vick is forced to go around apologizing like he's Michael Richards (obviously he's not ... and Richards is thankful for that).

Why is that a giant issue? And why is a headband an issue in Chicago? I wish this headband ordeal was taking place with Allen Iverson.

"But it-it's easy to talk about it, it's easy to sum it up when you just talk about headbands. We sitting here and I'm supposed to be the franchise player, and we're in here talking about headbands. I mean listen, we're talking about headbands. Not a game, not a game, not a game, not even practice. We're talking about headbands. Not a game, not the game that I go out there and die for, and play every game like it's my last. Not the game. We're talking about headbands, man. I mean, how silly is that? We're talking about headbands. I know I'm not supposed to wear one. I know I'm supposed to lead by example . . . I know that, and I'm not shoving it aside you know like it don't mean anything I know it's important. . . I do. . . I honestly do. But we're talking about headbands, man. What are we talking about? Headbands? We're talking about headbands, man . . . We're talking about headbands. We're talking about headbands. We ain't talking about the game, we're talking about a damn headband, man. When you come to the arena, and you see me play, you see me play don't you? . . . you see me give everything I got, right? But we're talking about headbands right now. We're talking about headba- Man look I hear you, it's funny to me too, and I mean it's strange to me too. But we are talking about some thread and elastic woven together into this thing I slide onto my forehead. We're not even talking about the game, the actual game, when it matters. We're not even talking about practice. . . How the hell can I make my team better by not wearing a headband?"

For one, Scott Skiles is an idiot for having such trifling rules. For another, the owners are stupid for allowing their overpriced investment to be even less effective and more discontent because some blowhard coach with a severe case of Little-Man Syndrome doesn't like headbands. Ownership doesn't need to undermine its coach any more than it has to, but if I'm sitting there throwing inordinate amounts of cheddar at a player, I want the most out of my investment. And it matters not to me if he wears a headband, a fedora, a kilt or a gag ball. Why not go ahead and institute a rule against facial hair, too. I'm a big fan of those. I wish just once somebody would've told Michael Jordan they had a no-baldness policy and tried to force him to grow out his hair.

But just as ridiculous as Skiles' policies is the amount of coverage this has gotten. Headband experts like LeBron James and Bjorn Borg have been called on to weigh in on this hot topic. I haven't watched, but I think it's safe to assume Woody Paige and Skip Bayless have come to blows over this on Cold Pizza.

And if Skiles vs. Headbands isn't enough to whet your adolescent drama appetite, here come the New York Giants. Strahan said this, Plaxico said that, some reporter said this and that and had to show Strahan her face. Compelling stuff, I tell you. Soon we'll find out that Eli saw Jeremy Shockey with a new watch and went and got one with one more carat of diamonds just to show who's boss. And while we're at it, let's see if Tiki Barber is retiring so he can spend time with his unborn child – being carried by Tom Coughlin's wife.

Honestly, who cares?

While these and other earth-shattering events are debated ad-nauseum, there will be some (but very little) mention of actual sporting event. No. 6 North Carolina and No. 1 Ohio State went at it in a pretty entertaining game last night, and the Tar Heels were able to put away the Greg Oden-less Buckeyes in a matchup of two heavyweights who will have a pretty decent chance of playing in April. I was impressed with how they got up and down the floor, for the most part made good decisions, displayed some freakish athleticism, and in general looked every bit the part of championship college basketball teams. And one team was without its supposed best player.

But hey, it's just a game. Just two of the sport's brightest prospects (Tyler Hansbrough and Oden) in the same place at the same time – though with only one on the court. Just a storied program like UNC taking on, and defeating, the nation's top-ranked team. There was a time when beating a No. 1 team was something special, even if it was in November. Not as big as beating No. 1 in March, or beating No. 1 in football, but when a top-ranked team goes down it should probably be a halfway big deal.

I don't think it should be the featured story for a week, especially with college football conference championships coming up this weekend, but it probably deserves more analysis and commentary than a headband.

Thanks, ESPN.

But when it comes to addition, subtraction and some simple multiplication and division – I can hang with the mediocre of 'em. Having been a sports junkie since I was old enough to pee, I've mastered the art of multiplying by 7 and 3, dividing by 48, 60, 9 and 1, adding 17, and subtracting 1908.

I've yet to get a grip on the complexities of the NCAA quarterback rating, the NFL quarterback rating (and the differences that lie within), the BCS, or a single piece of drivel that Rob Neyer spits out.

That being said – I think I can figure out some UCA football stats.

Career Pass Attempts
Nathan Brown threw 36 passes Saturday, giving him 484 for his career. That moves him past Kevin Nawracaj (Norwegian for "Federline") for 7th in school history. It gives Brown 211 for the season, playing in only 7 games. That leaves him averaging just about 30. If he were to throw exactly his average Saturday against Georgia Southern, that would put him at 516. It will be a little while before he catches the next man on the list, as Bobby Tiner sits 6th with 634 attempts.

Last year he threw 273 passes – though he had 14 games in which to do so, he didn't play full-time all season. Chris Reil also played in all 14 games and threw 160 passes. So between a year of splitting time and a year of missing a substantial chunk of the schedule with injury, we haven't gotten a true read of how many passes to expect Nathan throw in a full, healthy season.

So let's just say he never has a full, healthy season. If he goes for 241 this year and had 273 last year, that's an average of 257. So say he averages 257 for the following two years, and that adds 504 to his total. That would shatter the record.

Sitting at 484, he needs just 323 to break Randy Huffstickler's record of 806. That could potentially happen next season, but I'd look for it to go down early in his senior year.

7. Nathan Brown - 484
6. Bobby Tiner - 634
5. Andy Rogers - 665
4. Chris Freeman - 713
3. Ken Collums - 736
2. Zak Clark - 789 (in two seasons, mind you)
1. Randy Huffstickler - 806

Career Pass Completions
Brown passed Tiner Saturday to move into 6th on the all-time list. He currently has 328, and needs only complete 55 against Georgia Southern to pass Andy Rogers. He's completed 139 passes so far this season, about 20 a game. If he gets his standard 20 against GSU, then he's up around 160 for the year and 348 for his career. Early next season he should pass Rogers (382), Chris Freeman (386) and Ken Collums (388) – probably all in one game. After that, his next target is Huffstickler at 445 – just 117 from where he currently sits and 97 from where he might be at season's end. That should be easily attainable.

Right now he's 164 from overtaking Zak. So he'll need somewhere around 135-145 next season to get that accomplished. If he plays a full 11 games and relinquishes duty only in trash time, he should be able to get that. Regardless, barring freak injury or freakier academic ineligibility, he should sew this one up before all is said and done.

Career Pass Yards
With his 254 yards Saturday, Brown is just shy of the 4,000-yard mark for his career – sitting at 3,989, good for 8th place. He needs just 199 yards to eclipse Nawracaj for 7th, and if he can somehow muster 315 against Ga. Southern, he'll surpass Tiner.

He's averaging 225 per game, so let's say he finishes the year with an average performance and winds the year up at 4,214. That would leave him 1,715 yards shy of tying Zak Clark for second place. After that, it's another 1,441 to catch Huffstickler. In his junior and senior years, Brown would need to accumulate around 3,147 yards to get the record. That's an average of just less than 1,600 per season – which seems reasonable. Then again, he's losing Aaron Fairooz and nearly a literal ton of offensive linemen. He might also be losing Henderson State, Southern Arkansas, Augustana and South Dakota.

Of course, playing from behind means more throwing.

One way or the other, he's still got a good shot to take that record with him when he rides off into the sunset – provided he keeps his thumb out of helmets.

8. Nathan Brown - 3,989
7. Kevin Nawracaj - 4,187
6. Bobby Tiner - 4,304
5. Andy Rogers - 4,610
4. Chris Freeman - 5,091
3. Ken Collums - 5,578
2. Zak Clark - 5,919 (Two years!)
1. Randy Huffstickler - 7,360

Career Passing Touchdowns
Brown's three TD tosses Saturday gives him 40 for his career, vaulting him past Collums (39) for third in school history. He needs just nine more to pass Clark, and 22 to get Huffstickler. Both of these should be within reach, and Huffstickler should be taken down sometime late next season.

3. Brown - 40
2. Clark - 48
1. Huffstickler - 61

Career Receiving Yards
Aaron Fairooz already has this one, and just keeps extending his lead. With his 45 yards Saturday he moves to 2,754 – 105 yards ahead of No. 2 Ron Mallett and 143 yards ahead of Michael "Coach" Norvell. I don't believe either of those guys are catching him.

As a matter of fact, I'm not sure anybody is catching him for a long, long time. Aaron's got one more game and just because I'm getting lazy already let's say he puts up 75 yards (right around his average for the season) – that gets him to 2,829. Because I want to divide by 4, we're going to call it 2,828. That means somebody is going to need to step in and average four consecutive years of 707 yards. Only four receivers have averaged four years of 600+ yards. Only one other has averaged four years of 500+ yards. Obviously this is no small task.

Even if a guy were to go nuts and have back-to-back 1,000-yard seasons his jr. and sr. seasons, he's going to need 800 yards somewhere else. That seems easy, right? 400 a year? Well, you have to play a freshman season and it's hard to rack up yards as a freshman. David Robinson, a freshman on this year's team, has 355 yards for the season. We'll give him another 45 for Saturday and call it an even 400 for the year.

If he sticks around for three more years, he's still going to need more than 2,400 yards over three years to catch Aaron. That's an average of more than 800 yards per year. Not completely out of the question, but by no means a gimme. If anybody currently on the roster has a chance, it's Robinson. He'll be the deep threat for as long as he's here – but there are a ton of variables at play. I do think he has a much greater chance at surpassing Draylon Galloway (2,053) to at least crack the Top 5. If he can scrounge up another 1,200 or so before he checks out, he's in the Top 10.

Career Pass Receptions
Norvell has the record with 213, having passed Draylon Galloway's old record of 173 last season. Fairooz entered this year with an outside shot of taking it right away from Norvell, needing 83 – which would be a single-season record (76 - Fairooz, '05). He's not going to get it, unless he comes up with one of the biggest games in history this Saturday. Sitting at 185, he needs a cool 29 to surpass Norvell. Ain't happening. I am of the opinion Norvell, a graduate assistant on this year's team, convinced/coerced/blackmailed the offensive staff to keep Fairooz's receptions down.

This is another record that may stand for a long time. With Robinson's 21 catches thus far this season, he's only going to need 45 or so catches next year to go with a couple 75-catch, 1000-yard seasons his junior and senior years to start terrorizing the record books.

Career Pass Reception TDs
Here's a category where somebody like Robinson or fellow freshman Preston Echols may have a shot at the career Top 5 list. Each has two this season, and without Fairooz around next year should have a chance at a few more.

Aaron came into the season needing 11 to break the record – but has only six. Barring a Playstation day for he and Nathan on Saturday, he's going to fall a bit short of Ronnie Mallett.

1. Mallett - 30
2. Fairooz - 26
3. Landon Trusty - 20
4. John Cameron - 19
5. Tyree Davis, Clifton Ealy - 16

Career Total Offense Yards
With his 246 total yards Saturday, Nathan moves to 8th on the career list with 4,055. Next on the hit list is the state's all-time leading collegiate rusher – Hosea Knowlton, who ran for 4,549 yards and edit: There used to be a line here about how Knowlton's career rushing total was the exact same as his total yards total, which I thought was weird. I am stupid and got "Total Offense Yards" confused with "Total All-Purpose Yards". In "Total Offense", running backs don't get credit for pass receptions, as those yards are credited to only QBs. All-Purpose Yardage is where RBs can rack up, and where QBs get shafted on their yards. The lesson here ... I hate stats.

Huffstickler owns this record with a grand total of 6,818 yards. Impressive at first glance, but not so much when you remember he had 7,360 passing yards. So, somewhere along the way he managed to lose 542 yards on the ground. I don't think Jared Lorenzen came close to that, and he was like having Ronnie Lee under center.

8. Nathan Brown - 4,055
7. Hosea Knowlton - 4,549
6. Andy Rogers - 4,799
5. Chris Freeman - 5,043
4. Zak Clark - 5,964
3. Bobby Tiner - 6,110
2. Ken Collums - 6,233
1. Randy Huffstickler - 7,360

Of the seven QBs on that list, The Incredible Huff is the only one who played in concrete cleats. Chris Freeman lost 48 yards, which isn't great but it's also not 524.

As it stands, the career rushing totals for those QBs goes something like this:

1. Tiner - 1,806
2. Collums - 655
3. Rogers - 189
4. Brown - 66
5. Clark - 45

Bobby Tiner was Matt Jones before Matt Jones' parents were born (to put into perspective for UCA fans – that was way back in Bill Johnson's 27th year of calling UCA football).

Anyhow, Nathan needs around 2,800 yards to surpass Huffstickler. I doubt it happens next year, but I don't see any reason he can't grab it pretty early in the senior campaign.

Career Total Points Scored
Kentrel Rogers is just ridiculous. He has 322 points – exactly 50 more than No. 2 Phil Caldwell. The only guys knocking on the Top 10 door currently on the team are Fairooz (170) and James Paul (136). Mallett currently sits 10th at 184. Fairooz would need two TDs and a two-point conversion to tie. Of course he could always just go get three TDs and vault into 8th place.

Paul has 56 points so far this season, and a repeat performance next year would get him in there. He could potentially pass Shaun Mitchell for 7th at 198, or even Darrell Hamilton at 207 if he really has a banner year.

Just to put Kentrel's career into perspective ... Fairooz has been one of if not the best receiver in school history and James Paul has been a pretty decent kicker (if only part time, part of the time), and both have a chance to finish up in the Top 10. But right now, at the end of one guy's senior year and one guy's junior year, combined they are still 16 points shy of equaling Rogers' total.

Career Touchdowns Scored
How about that Bobby Tiner, huh? In addition to throwing for 32 TDs in his career, he ran it in another 30 times. What a stud. It may not be any better than Kentrel's 53 rushing TDs, though. And let's give a hand to Hosea Knowlton, who rang up a whopping 37 TDs in only 944 carries. By comparison, Kentrel got his 53 in 480 rushes.

Anyhow, Fairooz has 28 TDs, good for 9th. One more will tie him for 8th with Nathaniel "Annual Cocker Spaniel Granule Manual" Daniel. Two more will catch him up with Mallett and Tiner. Three would tie him with Vaughn Edwards,four with Shaun Mitchell at 4th.

Ross Brown has 15, and needs eight to tie Henry Hawk for 10th.

Career PATs Made
James Paul, with his four successful (and one unsuccessful) PAT attempts Saturday, has 91 for his career. Justin Smith holds the all-time mark at 138, which leaves James 47 shy. I'm not so sure that's possible. Second place, however, should be well within reach. Darrell Hamilton has 108, and after this weekend's game James shouldn't need any more than 15 to catch Hamilton.

Jay Salter needs only 137 to tie Smith.

Career Field Goals Made
Curtis Burrow was to Field Goals what Kentrel Rogers was to Touchdowns. In his career, Burrow nailed a school-record 43. Next, you ask? Hamilton, with 33. After Smith's 31, it takes another sharp decline down to Kevin Leach's 19 and 18 by both Steve Strange and Morgan.

Paul has 15, good for 8th. If the Bears consistently sputter Saturday, he might could move into a tie or even pass Leach before the season ends. I don't see that happening, though. However, there's no reason he shouldn't catch Leach next season. Catching anybody else might be out of the question, though.

Career Total Tackles
William Franklin - 438
Bobby J. McDaniels - 416
Harold Lewis & The News - 411

After that, people just stopped tackling.

4. Rick Matheny - 312
5. Joe Hogan - 311
6. David Riley - 297
7. Chris Smith - 295
8. Quentin Maxfield - 285

Maxfield broke into the Top 10 this year and passed his old buddy Cory Cangelosi for 8th a couple weeks ago. Needing 13 to catch Smith entering the Augustana game, Maxfield hurt his chances by only getting three tackles, needing to ring up 10 at Ga. Southern to move up. Of course, Maxfield holds the school record with 21 tackles in a single game (Valdosta State, 9/25/04 – UCA's last regular-season home loss) so it's not unthinkable. A solid 13-tackle performance would get him 6th.

On the outside looking in you've got senior safeties Jasper Johnson (218) and Leroy Hamilton (190).

Consecutive Games with Reception
1. Aaron Fairooz - 35
2. Jelani Lewis - 23
3. Anthony Lampkin, Doug Mitchell, Steve Wood - 22

Okay this one is just about as ridiculous as Kentrel's TDs and Burrow's FGs. Nobody is going to sniff this one. That's basically an entire career, getting a catch every game. If he gets one Saturday, that's 36 straight games. You better get one out of your system early your freshman year then plan on being a ballhawk the rest of your career.

Career Rushing Yards
Despite playing behind four 1,000-yard rushers in his career (Willie Hopson, Bernard Scott, Kentrel Rogers, Kentrel Rogers), Ross Brown has one more game this season and all of 2007 to come up with 950 yards and put himself in UCA's career Top 10. Obviously not an easy task with a predominately Div. I schedule next year and splitting carries with Brent Grimes, but not out of the question either. For a guy who waited so long for his turn, it'd be a nice little reward to get up there.

Career Yards from Sacks
In his career, Bart Reynolds recorded 20 sacks that resulted in a UCA-record 148 lost yards. Mike Coffman had 30 career sacks, but is not listed in the Top 5 for yardage. Mike Lovelady is second with 23 career sacks, and was No. 5 with 104 yards – until Jacob Ford came along.

Ford, who would likely be all over the record book had he played a full four years at UCA instead of just two, has made his presence felt in a short period of time. With one game left, he has 15 career sacks for 115 yards lost – good for third in school history behind Bart Reynolds (148) and Chris Pope (122). That duo played together in 1993, 94 and 95. The team's record during that span? 21-10-1.

And there you have it. I think I am retiring from math.

Q:What do you see being the biggest change from Division II?
A: It's going to be a lot different and a lot more exciting. I think the biggest difference is probably going to be the crowds. In D-II we've been playing mostly in front of around 1,200 people. Now, sometimes it's going to be 12,000. So it'll be a change having to deal with all that pressure. Another change is how physical it's going to be and how the big men now are going to be 6-foot-11 or 7-foot. Last year they might've been more about 6-8 or 6-9. Coach Chappell talks about it every day in practice, how we've got to be prepared.

Q: The marquee game on the schedule this year is obviously the match-up with UConn. That's a big game but you guys also have some other tough ones. How difficult is it not to get too caught up in that one?
A: It's a big game for us and should help us figure out where we stand as a team. They're one of the best programs in the country and they're known for having great players and Coach Calhoun is one of the best. But we know we've got to play Bucknell, Ole Miss, Bowling Green, Northwestern State and all those others. The coaching staff and the older guys especially realize how good a lot of those teams are. So we've got to be ready for everybody. Every game is important and we want to win them all for sure, but most of our focus is on the Southland Conference.

Q: This Friday you guys have an exhibition against Central Baptist. With the Homecoming football game on Saturday and a lot of people being in town during the weekend for that, do you think you might see a decent crowd out to get a glimpse of the basketball team?
A: I think that'll help us out. It would really boost our confidence as a team to have a good crowd out for our game Friday night. We've got this exhibition and the season opener before we take off, and we'll be on the road a lot this year, so playing in front of a home crowd whenever we get the chance is a big plus for us.

Q: You've got a bunch of newcomers on this year's team between freshmen and transfers. How has it been trying to get everybody to jell and on the same page?
A: This team is similar to last year's team as far as having a lot of guys who left. It's basically a completely new team, just like the situation last year except we're a lot younger. The young guys are listening to the vets and the coaches, and I think they're coming along real well. We're a young team, but talented.

Q: What do you think the team's strengths are, and what still needs some work?
A: Our strengths are that we're probably going to play more as a team this year, our shooting will be a strength since we've got a lot of perimeter threats, and I think rebounding. We still need to work on communicating on the floor, especially on defense in defensive transitions. But that comes with playing with each other more and that's what we're working on every day in practice.

Q: Even though you know there's not going to be any postseason play this season, there's still a lot to play for. What is it you're hoping to accomplish?
A: We want to play well and win as many games as we can, and being a senior I want to pass the torch down to the young guys – show them to work hard every day. If you work hard every day, you'll accomplish a lot of goals. We've got to play hard and practice hard every day. Right now we've just got to go out there and play for one another and have some pride. Pride in ourselves and some UCA pride. No matter what, we're going to play hard. If we have to play chess against the best team in the nation, we're going to play chess hard.

Even better.

I wake up this morning to find an email from Getoffus.com co-genius Kai Caddy containing some news that should have every Bear fan ready to forget football altogether and get right into the heart of basketball.

See that picture? That's only a small portion of center Hasheem Thabeet's 89 inches. That's right, that kid is 7-foot-3. Thabeet, a native of Tanzania, received some fantastic news today when the NCAA ruled him eligible for this season. That means he will be in uniform when the Bears trek to the Northeast to do battle with UConn in a few weeks.

Only problem is – he'll be wearing blue.

Read about it here.

Children under the age of 16 do not know what a music video is, but they have heard from their older brothers and sisters and their parents how incredible it was to see your favorite artist perform a hit song with an accompanying brief motion picture that often helped tell the story or at the very least give young, voluptuous women a chance to get their eagle on.

Since the beginning of the modern era, MTV has abandoned the music video, opting instead to supply its viewers with an endless supply of mindless programming in the form of various "reality" series. And while those who are responsible for shows such as "Laguna Beach", "My Super Sweet 16", "Parental Control" and so forth should be bludgeoned to death with Andy Milonakis' corpse, the tandem of Mary Ellis-Bunim and Jonathan Murray should be enshrined (where, I don't know. but they should be) for producing real quality television like "The Real World" and "The Real World/Road Rules Challenge" series.

The latest installment of the "Challenge" series, "The Duel" just made its debut – and I couldn't be happier.

And the challenges might be even better. Once again, I can't explain why I think this. Maybe it is because there is no false pretense of it being "real" and in a "normal" setting. They basically let you know up front "Hey, this is a contrived setting where we try to make people fight. Enjoy." And I do.

And this current season, "The Duel" has the potential to be one of the all-time greats. There are several reasons (the absence of Coral being one of them), but there is one essential element in the mix that gives this season unlimited potential ...

Chris Tamburello – better known to America simply as CT, better known to me as "One of the 5 coolest guys on the planet."

CT might be a real prick. He might not like me, you, his own mother, or going 15 minutes without knocking somebody smooth out. Or maybe he's really an alright guy, I don't know. But even if he's not, that's okay – he makes for great TV. He likes to get drunk, talk smack, start fights, and just generally be a tremendous jerk (on the other hand if you're not on his bad side, he's probably just fine ... and a great guy to have on your team). And while you might not necessarily want to model yourself after this cat, you have to appreciate the way he carries himself with a certain swagger and robust self-confidence that he can pull off to where he's a jackass yet you still find yourself rooting for him. His over-the-top, brusque antics are hilarious because they're outrageous.

There are other reasons I will keep up religiously with the show, but even if those weren't there I'd do so just because of the inclusion of CT. MTV could produce a show or feature-length film of him along the lines of EdTV , just following him around ... grocery shopping, ordering Chinese, going to work/class/whatever he does, and I would watch. So after being shut out of the last installment of the "Challenge" series, I'm glad he's back.

Also on the cast for this season are some of my other favorite reality-TV stars — Insane Wes, Big Bad Brad, and Polish Derrick. Much to my dismay, Beth got invited back for her 374th appearance on an MTV show.

I'd been looking forward to the season getting underway since I saw the first commercial for it a month or so ago. Despite the invitation to go watch my roommate play flag football on his 25th birthday in the biting cold, I stayed home and caught the hour-long premiere. And of course, I kept a minute-by-minute account of the happenings.

9:01 - Alright, this season is set in Brazil and every contestant gets the Brazil national flag emblazoned on their shirt. I don't know a whole lot about Brazil other than them having good soccer. So let's turn to Wikipedia ...

Okay there's entirely too much information there, so I will just mention that they have a pretty fountain.

9:03 - Three minutes into the program and we've got our first footage of CT getting drunk. This is going to be good times. And of course, being the master of the universe he waltzed right in and claimed the master bedroom.

"I'm here bitches!" -- CT

9:08 - I really have no idea how this process works. I think you need an advanced math degree to be able to compete here. That doesn't bode well for ... well, anybody. You know the producers have to sit this band of geniuses down and repeat everything 15 times. They should probably just draw straws or something.

9:13- As they're panning along the cast, you get Brad with his arms behind his head, flexing about as hard as he possibly can. If they would've panned slower, his biceps would've exploded as he tried to hold form. This is obviously a very vain man. If you remember, he's the one who repeatedly mentioned his "stacked 8" on his original Real World season. He even called the girlfriend up that one time and had her verify to the roommates. What a guy.

9:16- We're not 1/3 of the way through the first show and I'm ready to crawl into the TV and shoot Beth right in the face. Or maybe at least apply some concealer to her face. I don't actually know what concealer does, but using its name as a context clue, I would guess it might conceal that hideous lobster-like complexion of hers. And I would then lodge the container in her throat.

9:20- I am not at all a fan of how they choose who goes into The Duel. When they cut the show to 30 minutes, I am not going to be pleased when you get four minutes of what looks like people picking basketball teams on the playground.

9:22- Just showed a commercial for "Real Life: I'm a Staten Island Girl", with some girl on there talking about how Staten Island chicks are so different and distinguishable. Could've fooled me ... from that snippet they seemed like your run-of-the-mill spoiled, ditzy, overly dramatic sluts from every other show. Laguna Beach, Staten Island ... all the same. All worthless.

9:27- So after some strange event that I'm still not certain on all the rules of, the big convoluted process of picking the Duel folks goes down and it comes down to castmates Gay Tyler and Closet Gay John. Slutlana picks Gay Tyler, who in turn chooses to square off against Closet Gay John. They're sent into what's deemed a "pit of hell with 300 watermelons". Tyler comes into the pit doing the Arsenio Hall arm-shake thing. He did not woof, unfortunately.

The deal here is they bid on how many watermelons they can lift in a big apparatus that you lift like a wheelbarrow, basically doing a deadlift.

9:31- I thought watermelons weighed several pounds. When Gay Tyler bid 31, I yelled like a moron for Closet Gay John to let him try to do it. I didn't think he couldn't do it because he's gay, but because he's scrawny and watermelons are supposed to be heavy. Well, they must've gotten some puny melons there in Brazil because Gay Tyler hoisted it up and held it no problem.

"I learned you need to determine your own fate and not let somebody else determine it for you." -- Closet Gay John. Truer words have never been spoken.

9:33- Did I mention I hate Beth? Watching her start retarded junk is like hanging out in a jr. high girls locker room. Uhh ... not that I do that. I mean, you know ... it seems like that's what would go on, remembering back to hearing stuff when I was in jr. high. Yeah ...

Anyway, we're half an hour in and entirely devoid of any footage of CT and Brad getting drunk and beating somebody/something up. Can't they just tear off into the town square all boozed up and whip a guy for peddling tiny watermelons?

9:36- I have a feeling I'm going to enjoy this Rob & Big show. It's so odd and has the no-fail formula of oversized black guy and weird white guy, there's no way this can miss.

9:42- And we see Enormous Eric in a Speedo. And we see me throw up. Oh, and they just eliminated Nehemiah.

"Black people don't swim. Way to get rid of the black guy." -- Nehemiah, who was probably distraught for the next seven hours.

9:53- What's the big deal with Diem and her wig and all that crap? She's got hair. Not long, flowing locks, but she's got more hair than a lot of perfectly healthy women have. She looks ... modelish or something. I don't see the problem here, and she should probably stop wearing the wig and crying about it. If you're tough enough to survive cancer, you're tough enough to let your hair grow out. Suck it up, son.

"She looks like a sexy, supermodel, secret agent" -- CT in his infinite wisdom. It's the suave lines like this that guarantees him all the dimes.

9:57- Polish Derrick runs over to greet Diem after her completely unscripted victory. He was the first one to compliment her on the hair and the first to go congratulate her. Either he really wants a piece, or he's genuinely into making her feel good. I think it's probably more of the latter. He's always seemed to be a real stand-up guy. Kind of a punk at times, but that's just because he's passionate. He's the type of guy who'd walk 25 miles through Hell for you.

10:00 While I applaud Tina's intent there to knock Beth from Brazil to Bolivian, she should probably be kicked off the show just because of how weak that punch was. Beside the fact it came up about seven inches short, even if it would've landed it probably wouldn't have turned Beth's skin any redder than it already is.

And as we're getting the brief preview clips for the rest of the season, I believe that's CT about to carpe Diem. Oh boy and ... yes sir. That's CT and Wes getting ready to rumble. That's the reality TV equivalent of Ali/Frazier, Hulk Hogan/Andre The Giant, or even Todd Day/Larry Johnson.

We can only hope that Brad somehow gets involved with that fiasco. I'm excited. Thank you, MTV.

You see that coffee lid? I hate that coffee lid. Who thought that was a good idea? Whoever invented that coffee lid can die a slow, blistering-hot death. What sense does it make to have a nice insulated styrofoam cup to protect your hand from the heat, only to have the piping hot liquid contained therein pass over an inch of thin, uninsulated, heat-conducting plastic with the tender inside of your lip exposed to it? You have to wait 10 minutes to get a decent drink, and then the coffee turns cold before you can drink it all.

To make matters worse, there is little room for steam to escape, which just makes everything even hotter.

Whatever happened to the good lid? ... This one:

For one, it's fun pulling that tab back and sticking it onto the button in the middle. For another, it's a sizable hole so plenty of steam escapes. Sure, the coffee won't stay as hot for as long, but coffee is typically too hot in the beginning anyway and if you can take bigger drinks and not run the risk of blistering yourself, you can drink it all before it goes cold anyway. But yes, these lids fit flush onto the rim of the cup so that your lip comes in contact with cool, insulated cup instead of plastic that's on the verge of melting.

On a related note, it's pretty infuriating when gas station clerks are too freaking lazy to keep a decent supply of straw next to the drink fountain and you inevitably end up with a straw disproportionate to the size of your cup. Either you want big drink and they just have tiny straw that will either get lost in the cup or leave you with 18 percent of your beverage unreachable at the bottom, or you get a 12-oz. cup and have a straw that is taller than half of Japan.

Back to the coffee, if the tragic tall-lid epidemic isn't bad enough, it seems more and more convenience stores bait you in with their 18 fancy-looking canisters of exotic-flavored coffees, only for you to get your cup and crank the lever or mash the giant button repeatedly in vain, as the canister is without fail empty. I think most of them have never even actually had coffee in them. They're just decorative pieces. Really, is it asking too much for somebody to brew up a batch of Arabian Summer Pecan Delight after 9:30 a.m.? I want to see what that's all about.

Anyway I'm going to shut up now before I run the risk of sounding like Denis Leary.

Even though I only shot for a little while, I was able to get plenty of pictures of Jacob Ford wreaking havoc on MSU quarterback Matt Krapfl. I have a feeling there will be plenty more opportunities as the year progresses.

And Brad Gordon, sorry – what I thought was a fabulous photo of you throwing a mean block from your fullback position was actually a really nice, zoomed-in shot of an official's back. They're good about getting in the way.

Anyhow, here is the link.

I'll post some thoughts on the game tomorrow, when I've had sleep.

The Buddha Bear has also been moved from the South end zone to the Northeast corner of the stadium so that the students can roll by and give the thing a nice belly rubdown. I personally think the players should roll over and do the same. Everybody at UCA needs to rally around the Buddha.

Anyway, since I just spent a bunch of money on a new camera, I took pictures of some of the renovations.

Anybody remember Payne Hall?

How big a role will he play?

In this article, first-year coach Terry Allen seems to be pretty impressed with Payne, hoping to get him more heavily involved in the offense.

Against Oklahoma State two weeks ago, Hall caught three passes for 20 yards. He missed MSU's other game due to injury. Last year he caught 14 passes for 195 yards, with three scores.

The last time Hall played a football game in Arkansas, he fumbled inside the five yard line and later dropped a pass that would've been a first down. UCA faithful might wish for a similar performance Saturday.

Hall may be the same player, but this is a different year with a different coach, a different offense, and a different QB. The Maroon Bears' signal-caller is Matt Krapfl, who just made his first collegiate start last week against Oklahoma State.

You can read about his thoughts leading into that here.

Interesting note about Krapfl ... in the pronunciation guide in Missouri State's media guide, Krapfl's entry is CRAP-full. It's guys like this that make me wish I was still working at a newspaper, writing headlines. You can probably find a way to have fun with something like that. Of course, you can probably get creative with that if you're a fan, too.

Anyway, back to Payne. In this story, Payne reflects on his time at Arkansas and realizes it wasn't just a very good experience. Oddly enough.

It was a buddy of mine up on the second floor of the dorm, calling to tell me with a bit of anxiety in his voice to flip the TV on. I asked what channel, he said just about any would do ... it's on every channel.

So while I'm fumbling around for the remote, I am getting excited about the great news that had long been speculated ... Michael Jordan was coming back. Had to be, right? Why else would he be calling me that early in the morning to tell me to turn the TV on, and any channel. So I said to him "awesome, I take it Jordan is announcing his comeback?"

Then he said "uhh ... no. This is bigger."

And when he told me it wasn't MJ's return I got good and just about riled up. You don't wake me up an hour and a half before my test after I've been up late studying to tell me something unimportant. And at the time, short of him finding out he'd impregnated his girlfriend (which wouldn't have been on every TV channel), there was nothing more important to me than MJ's pending return.

Then he broke me off with the news about the time I got the remote and flicked the TV on. "They bombed the Pentagon..."

Since the TV was on some station that wasn't airing any news footage, I told him he was full of it, then he swore he wasn't and I got it over to CNN to see a plane flying into the World Trade Center tower. So at this point here I was, groggy and irritated that I was woken up for something other than Michael Jordan, and now here I am processing that the Pentagon was bombed and now in addition to that there's a plane screaming into the WTC.

It was shaping up to be a heck of a day, to say the least.

After a few minutes of watching the news I figured out there was no actual foreign bombing going on on American soil, but a group of wacked-out yahoos stealing planes and flying them into buildings. This actually brought a level of comfort to me, as I feared instantly it would be World War III if some nation had just loaded up and dropped bombs on US soil – especially in the contiguous states.

So I watch all the news, then have to walk to class to take this freaking test thinking that as soon as its over I'll probably have some men in fatigues at the dorm waiting to transport all the men to the nearest base to get ready for service.

We get to class and the teacher has had her nose dipped in a petri dish all morning and actually had no idea any of that had gone on. We tried to tell her, and she seemed pretty much completely disinterested and went ahead and administered the test anyway. Every other class on campus and probably in the country was tuned in to the nearest TV ... but not those of us in ol' Gatti-Clark's class there in the Lewis Science Center. We were banging away dilligently, regurgitating facts about meiosis and whatnot.

Then I had to make the walk back to the dorm, thinking about how big of a clusterfrick this mess could turn into, then thinking about getting shipped off for battle and how maybe I should get back and start calling the loved ones.

But then I decided that would be ridiculous. So I went back and watched the news for a couple hours, walked over to the cafeteria to eat lunch and watch more news, then I went back and napped.

I believe I made a 68 on that test. I ended up passing the class with a B, but it took some trying after that little miniature debacle. To this day I still can't believe we had to take that test.

But that test, and finding out I hadn't been woken up to hear about the return of the greatest athlete of my life, are two of my most vivid recollections from that fateful day.

So while you wade through 23089309328093 long, drippy, sappy stories today in remembrance today on the fifth anniversary of our nation's biggest tragedy, you're not going to get one here. It's not because I don't care, or because I don't have any reverence or anything of the like. It's because everything that can be said has been said ad nauseum for the past five years. We've been inundated with this since the day it happened. And the second it starts to wane, there's always some reason to bring it right back up.

It was a painful day for a lot of people, but I'm sure they can have their little remembrance and prayer time and moments of solitude and reflection all their own. I remember the date my grandmother died ... I think. I really have no idea what date my grandfather died. I don't know the date my cousin was killed by lightning. I do know that I don't need any big to-do to remember them. I don't do it often, but when I do it's just in my mind. Having some big shindig to commemorate a normal death, much less an extremely tragic event, just ain't my cup of tea.

And that's what we're going to get. Everywhere you look. Every TV station, every radio station, I figure tons of cities and towns are going to have some sort of gathering. Some place where a political figure can grandstand and give a big rousing speech written by somebody else, to look good in front of the cameras here in election season. And all for what? To tell us what we have known for five years ... people died, this is tragic, the people who were responsible must pay. We know this. No point in dredging up the painful past and bringing it up to the forefront for some contrived BS memorial. Everybody come together, be sad, shed some tears and have a big crappy time together!! All in the names of our lost loved ones! And in the name of media saturation and sensationalism.

I will probably keep the television off all day, since this time I know for certain MJ ain't coming back.

It all still seems like yesterday.

But tonight, with the kickoff of a new season, the first as a Division I program, it all goes away.

With the battle against the Reddies just a few hours out, it's time to take a look at this year's Bears and what to expect from them in 2006.

SCHEDULE

Having had my nose stuck in Division II football the last few years, I'm not fully up to speed on my Division I-AA opponents just yet. I recognize the names of the teams, but recognize the names of few players. It's going to be a big learning process for me, you, and just about every other fan out there. So I would be lying if I told you I had thoroughly analyzed the rosters of UC-Davis, Illinois State, Missouri State, Sam Houston, Stephen F. Austin, South Dakota State, Georgia Southern and so on.

Here's what I do know: it's a tough, tough road. Georgia Southern is a perennial power, Illinois State has been ranked in the top 5-10 in national preseason polls, and Cal Davis is picked near the top of its conference.

And while Missouri State, South Dakota State, Sam Houston State and Stephen F. Austin are all tabbed near the bottom of their respective conferences, they are established I-AA programs and there's something to be said for that. Those aren't cakewalks.

And yes, there are plenty of D-II's still sprinkled on the schedule but that's no guarantee, either. As a Division II school last year UCA took a decent I-AA Tennessee-Martin group to the wire and probably should have won. A few years ago UCA took down I-AA UAPB in the same venue as tonight's game. That has to give Henderson a glimmer of hope, knowing it's not unheard of for a D-II to knock off a I-AA in War Memorial.

So all that being said, it's not unreasonable to think a II could beat a I-AA. But what about this particular I-AA Bears team? Can a D-II team topple them? Henderson and Southern Arkansas are likely longshots. But keep an eye on South Dakota. If any of the Division II teams are going to upset the Bears, they might be the ones to do it. Ranked in the Division II Top 10 and featuring a preseason all-american running back in Sefan Logan, they have gone 18-4 the last two years. That sounds to me like the basis for a good, solid program.

So what to make of it all? Without having ever seen much of the I-AA opponents and using previous viewings of I-AAs like UT-Martin, UAPB and Missouri State as a general gauge, here's what I can come up with:

UCA should roll through Henderson, SAU, Augustana and even South Dakota. No matter how good USD (SDU?) is, were UCA a D-II team they would be one of the top three, without question. For comparison's sake, Presbyterian – a team UCA manhandled last season – is a Top 5 team. The Bears should be better than they were a year ago, which should be plenty to get by South Dakota.

That gets you to four wins. But there are seven other games. What happens there?

I'd like to say the upstart Bears can storm the I-AA ranks and run the table and have a storybook 11-0 season that would have books written and movies made about it. But I can't, not realistically. I can't say it won't, either, but I don't feel comfortable yet making that call.

I have a feeling the two Southland games are winnable. I also fear that Illinois State and Georgia Southern might be too much to handle. I think Missouri State, South Dakota State and Cal-Davis could be swing games.

So just for the sake of making a random guess, I'll take wins over the four smaller schools, a split with the Southland teams, and one win in the MSU, SDSU and UCD group. That's 6-5. It could be 7-4 with a sweep over the SLC schools or getting two of the other three. So there's my range. 8-3 or better would be nice, but I don't know enough about all the teams to figure out a way to convince myself how UCA is better. So, I'll just trust that Georgia Southern and Illinois State deserve their lofty ranking and are too much at this time, and that at some point the grind of playing such high-caliber teams will take its toll on this developing I-AA team and cause a hiccup or two along the way.

But a winning season, even with a handful of Division II teams on the schedule, would be a fine way to get this voyage started.

OFFENSE

There are a bunch of key elements from last year's team missing, but they all got replaced with high quality parts. There shouldn't be much overall dropoff, but I do worry about the running game meeting last year's standards.

Quarterbacks
If Nathan Brown is and can stay healthy, there's no need to worry about this position. As far as I'm concerned, Brown is the best college quarterback in this state and already every bit as good as Zak Clark was as a senior. I'm totally sold. He showed a very steep learning curve a year ago, and displayed some amazing attributes. He's a year older and a year more confident and carries himself like a 5th-year senior. He knows the offense, knows his receivers, and knows the team is his. He's got a plus arm, typically makes pretty good decisions and he's got enough mobility to keep himself out of trouble. And the thing is, when he screws up he learns from it instantly. He figures out in a hurry how to correct his errors, and that's a valuable asset.

If he does go down, Robby Park is next in line. Park was a Stephen F. Austin signee fresh out of high school, redshirted, then went on a two-year mission with the Latter Day Saints. Having not played since 2002, he's got some rust to knock off for sure. But he does have some talent and a nice frame at 6-3, 205. Hopefully he won't be thrown into the fire too much too soon, and will have ample opportunity to shake off the rust late in games in low-pressure situations.

Running Backs
This is a big question mark. Not necessarily a weakness, just a question mark. There is no proven quantity like Kentrel Rogers, Willie Hopson or even Bernard Scott. The horses that have been back there the last few years are all gone for one reason or another, be it graduation, eligibility issues or God-knows-what.

What is back there is Ross Brown, who has looked lightning quick and extremely shifty during the fall camp. In agility drills he has looked head and shoulders above every other back, which is about the only time the diminutive Brown (5-9, 186) gets that distinction. And that, ultimately, has been the knock on Ross. He's small. But now he has the opportunity to prove that lacking in size doesn't mean lacking in ability or endurance. He's been waiting his turn and it's here.

But he's going to have help. Freshmen Leonard Caesar and Brent Grimes are going to factor into the mix and get some carries, because you couldn't get through a Gulf South Conference slate with one back and you sure aren't going to get by with just one playing who UCA is playing this year. So a freshman or two will have to step up.

Brown is probably the fastest, most elusive back and I would bet just as strong as anybody, but Grimes has a tremendous overall package. He's essentially Brown's clone (5-9, 185) size-wise, and while he might be a step slower he has great balance and runs smooth and under control. And he built a heck of a resume at Redemptorist High School in Baton Rouge. In case anybody has forgotten since signing day, Grimes had 3,178 career rushing yards, scored 45 TDs, averaged 8 ypc, had 30 receptions for 575 yards and 6 TDs, was a 1st Team all-state selection in Louisiana's 4A classification (and they probably don't have two dozen like Arkansas) on a state champion team, and was the MVP of that championship game. He also ran for the state runner-up 4x100 meter relay team and was the 4A powerlifting state runner-up. That sure looks good on paper, and I figure he'll put up a similar image on the field.

Fullbacks
Darren Shaw is gone, but Joe Walker is back to carry on the grandfatherly tradition they've established at the fullback spot. Walker brings plenty of experience, some good hands, and some outstanding blocking ability. He had some injuries in the preseason, so his ability to stay healthy will be something to keep an eye on. But when he's out there, the Bears are fine. He's bigger and stronger than he was last year, and that has me excited for the first corner blitz of the season.

Alongside Walker are two guys new to the program – transfers Zach Logan (Vanderbilt, Rivercrest High) and Steven Moore (Ark. Tech, Conway High). Logan was a bigtime runner in high school, being the main cog in some dominant Rivercrest teams, and Moore had a stellar career at Conway. Both guys should be able to contribute and will keep the Bears loaded at fullback for the next few years.

Offensive Line
The depth might not be where the coaching staff would like it to be, but the front-line guys are a very good, very experienced group that should do a fine job of protecting Brown and hopefully be effective in paving paths for the running backs. Mountainous Ronnie Lee returns, along with David Far, Jeremy Ford and Justin Jones. Josh Restum, who missed all of last year with injury, is back at the Center position. Brad Gordon, who played a big role on last year's team, is again in the mix and some redshirt and true freshmen will be relied upon.

Wide Receivers
Michael Norvell - gone. Ben Faires - gone. Che Jones - half gone. With UCA's all-time leading receiver now on the sidelines/in the press box as a graduate assistant and second-leading returning receiver still recovering from physical ailments, it looked like wide receiver was going to be another question mark for the Bears. Obviously, all-world Aaron Fairooz is back and looking better than ever, but you can't do it with just one.

Eric Ware has ridiculous speed, but he's been snake-bitten and has never really had the opportunity to show what he has. Cameron Kinard is another burner, but another guy who hasn't had the chance to really show what all he can bring to the table. He missed time in the spring after some guy's face broke his hand, so he wasn't able to fully capitalize on the offseason. That being said, he's going to be counted upon this year moreso than last year. He's got some speed, some hands, but not a lot of size.

Brandon Payne went off and got suspended, so he's sure not going to be counted on tonight and who knows what his role will be the rest of the season. He's not the fastest guy, nor the tallest guy, nor does he have the greatest hands. But he is pretty fast, pretty tall, and so on. He's not going to be the gamebreaker, but should give the Bears another good-sized target who can get downfield.

Of the freshman class, Vincent Starwood had by far the coolest name, but we'll have to wait til next year to hear it called over the PA as he's busy getting fitted for his red shirt. That leaves David Robinson as the freshman most likely to answer duty's call this season. The Admiral looks like a freshman for sure. He's not Nicole Ritchie-thin, but he won't be confused with Ronnie Lee anytime soon. But he'll be fine in due time, and if called on in a pinch should be able to help the Bears this year.

And then you have transfers Cedric Logan and Chijuan Mack. These guys are tremendous additions and both have shown an aptitude for the offense and will both step right in and make significant contributions from the outset.

When Jones returns, spreading him out along with Fairooz and those two guys will give UCA as good a set of receivers as folks around Conway have seen. With Nate Brown flinging the ball around, the aerial shows reminiscent of Conque's earlier days in Conway could very well return.

And I can't wait to see it.

Tight Ends
Austin Cade was a lethal receiving threat a year ago, never caring to drop a shoulder and plow over half a defense. He'll be sorely missed, but the Bears have filled the hole nicely with the addition of junior college transfer Charles Twilley and University of Arkansas transfer Marc Winston. Twilley showed in the spring he's every bit the bull Cade was, and Winston has stepped in and showed that he and his large frame should prove a valuable asset in the passing game – particularly in goalline situations. Don't be surprised to see the Bears roll out a few 2-tight end sets this year ... and throw. A good bit.

DEFENSE

Last year's defense was the best UCA has had in quite some time and, despite the loss of guys like Cory Cangelosi and Greg Mills, this year's unit should be even better. There's tons of experience at linebacker and in the secondary, and I'm not sure where you'll find a better set of defensive ends than right here in Conway.

Line
On the ends, Jacob Ford, Jeremy Pittman and Lawrence Atkinson sure pass the airport test. They get off the plane, and you're impressed. But better yet, they get on the field and you're still impressed. Then they get on the quarterback, and you're impressed more still. These guys will wreak havoc all year long, no doubt about it. They're all stronger than they were a year ago, and they just look primed to destroy people – particularly Ford.

On the inside, Caleb Bateman has been a solid player in the past and now the Brothers Barksdale (Kendrell, Lendrell) are there to help him, along with Uriah Perry. This is the most unknown factor in the defense, so keep an eye on how they perform. Also, watch out for giant Lane Friewald (6-6, 316) plugging the middle at some point.

Linebackers
Kelvin Horne, a senior, was fourth on the team in tackles last year with 67. And he's second on the depth chart entering tonight's game. That's how good UCA's depth is at linebacker this year. With the return of Calvin Dumas, who missed all of last year with an injury, the Bears have five senior linebackers. Dumas, Horne, Lance Boykins and Ryan Taylor join Quentin Maxfield, who will break into UCA's Top 10 for career tackles this season. That's a lot of tackles returning, and a lot of experience that will help tremendously as the competition stiffens up in 2006.

Secondary
Another place where a ton of senior leadership runs free. Jasper Johnson, bigger, stronger and faster than ever, is back for one more go-round and I'm putting the Over/Under on the first time he leaves another player's internal organ on the field at Game 5.

Seniors Leroy Hamilton and Jack Bailey man the other safety spot, giving the Bears two more guys who have been through the battles and seen plenty of live action.

At the corners, longtime starters Ahmad Brown, Gerald Norman and Dathan Jackson are back, along with transfer Tristan Jackson who has worked himself into a starting job alongside Brown. There aren't any giants in the group, but there's all kinds of experience, and knowing how to do the right thing can more than make up for an inch or two, a couple pounds, or .2 of a second.

The ends are going to get in the backfield, and the linebackers are going to provide good support. The safeties are going to be back there waiting. The key will be the interior linemen getting the upper hand and keeping the pressure up, keeping the corners from having to stay in coverage for extended periods.

SPECIAL TEAMS
The Bears won a lot of ballgames and scored a lot of points thanks largely in part to their special teams play a year ago. The punt and kick coverage teams did an outstanding job and I would expect that to be similar this year with several of those guys back in action again.

On returns, Cedric Logan will handle the duties there, taking over for the fearless Cory Cangelosi. Cangelosi would return absolutely anything, and was pretty surehanded. Logan is a little faster and explosive and should be a bigger threat for the homerun.

Kickoff returns will be Kinard and Hamilton, two speedy guys who have been back there plenty of times before. They hit top speed as quick as anybody on the team, and they go North. Hamilton lives for special teams play and relishes any time he can get the ball in his hands, and Kinard is a receiver so he's no stranger to moving with the ball.

James Paul is tabbed to handle both placekicking and punting duties for the time being. Muhammed Spreco can't seem to kick the injury bug, and hasn't been able to consistently practice and produce. If Paul retains both duties full time, it will be interesting to see how his leg holds up and if hit in any way inhibits him either on punts or kicks. He's a soccer player by trade, so hopefully his leg is in plenty of shape.

Looking up and down the roster, you'd obviously like to have guys like Kentrel Rogers, Willie Hopson, Jon Rodriguez, Austin Cade, Greg Mills, Mike Norvell, etc. back, but you can't so there's no use in thinking of it. When comparing what's here now to what was here a year ago, I think the situation is better just about everywhere. Running back might be down a step, and you're going to miss having a huge guy like Rodriguez on the O-line and Greg Mills on the D-line, and it's tough for anybody to take over for Cory Cangelosi at safety. The guys at those spots now might turn out to be better eventually, but I wouldn't bet the farm on them being to that caliber right away. Hopefully, for the Bears' sake, they'll get there in a hurry.

They've got a pretty good learning exercise in about 4 hours and 35 minutes.

PREDICTION
UCA - 44
HSU - 13

Despite my deep fear of going to see anything loosely related to NASCAR given the typical clientele, I finally bit the bullet and decided to roll out to one of Conway's high-class theatres and see Talladega Nights: The Ballad of Ricky Bobby. It had tons of hype, a little crass humor, Will Ferrell, his smokin' hot wife, and digs at dumb southerners and NASCAR ... which may or may not be interchangeable – I'll leave that for you to decide.

You can't hardly go wrong with anything featuring Will Ferrell, so there was no way this one could fall flat on its face. But did it live up to expectations?

The dinner scene where Ricky Bobby says grace and prays to Jesus in a handful of stages (baby Jesus, tiny Jesus, 8-lb., 6-oz. little tiny baby Jesus, newborn Jesus still with his umbilical cord attached ... alright, I made that one up) was superb. Any scene where his kids acted crude was enjoyable. Him sprinting around the track was good, although it didn't run much longer than the segment on the commercials. We got Oprah Winfrey, Allah, Tom Cruise and so on, but I was hoping it would carry on. Maybe something along the lines HELP ME MARSHALL APPLEWHITE!! or HELP ME LOUIS FARRAKHAN!!, but no sir.

There weren't enough good "moments", and while you'll come away quoting several lines (although, again, most all from commercial) you'll also come away feeling like Ricky Bobby himself could've been more over-the-top and that the villian could've been more ridiculous as well.

I'm no movie critic and will not try to wow you with any in-depth analysis, but I feel the movie missed in that there was entirely too much effort made to put a real semblance of storyline in it. There should've been more obscene, outlandish humor. They definitely underplayed the part of the story where he thought he was paralyzed. That could have been an hour by itself and been comedy. It's Will Ferrell, you let him shine.

I had been told going in that it was funnier than Anchorman. I had also been told going in that it wasn't very funny. I agree with neither of those assessments. It is definitely funny, but not of Anchorman proportions.

Overall, I would give it a solid 7/10.

And if you don't chew Big Red gum, then f*** you.

And while I got exactly what I expected, there was some unexpected news.

Paul Eells, the Voice of the Razorbacks, had died.

Having grown up high on the Hogs, I had heard Paul Eells call many a game. He was one of those institutions in the business, one of those guys synonymous with the team he worked for. I had seen him on television, and at the time without really knowing the definition of a consummate professional, just knew he was a lot better than the guys I was accustomed to seeing on KAIT in Jonesboro. I later understood him to be not only better than the KAIT guys, but better than most.

There was an endearing quality about Paul that drew you in immediately. He seemed nearly like your grandfather talking to you through the television set. Unlike many in the media today, particularly TV, he wasn't a sensationalist blowhard out to create news or make himself the show or any of the other antics popular among many today.

He dearly loved the teams he followed, to some maybe to a fault. But he was loyal and looked for the best in people, and as far as I could tell never believed in taking people to task every chance he could get.

I viewed Paul Eells much in the same fashion as I did the other legendary broadcaster I grew up on – the immortal Harry Caray. Fitting, as they both went out without the chance to do it on their own terms, without a proper farewell.

Harry sucked you in immediately and there's no way you couldn't like the guy. He was getting up there in age, made a handful of mistakes on the air and had his legion of naysayers who kind of wanted him out. But at the end of the day, you still enjoyed listening to him – warts and all.

It was the same way with Paul. Sure, people got frustrated hearing "Jones takes the snap, gives it to Cobb... no, it's a pass to Richard Wils... wait that's Jason Peters up over the 35, the 40, the 18, the 27 and it's intercepted!!" and people moaned and groaned. But it wasn't because they hated Paul Eells. It was because they didn't enjoy seeing their legendary announcer limping around looking like Willie Mays in a Mets uniform or Michael Jordan in a Wizards jersey. People like their heroes perfect, and to many Razorback faithful, Paul Eells was as much a part of the program as Frank Broyles, Houston Nutt and the 3rd-and-long smoke draw. And it usually all went away the next time he belted out his signature "TOUCHDOWN ARKANSAS!" call.

I only had the opportunity to meet Paul in person on one occasion – at the 2005 NCAA Division II women's basketball Elite Eight in Hot Springs. I had heard for years that you will never meet a nicer person than Paul Eells, and from that day I saw nothing that would dispute that. He clearly had the respect of everybody in the room, and he enjoyed chatting and hamming it up with everybody.

In those few brief minutes I shared a room with him, I did take one great memory from it. Kai and I had taken our seats at the table behind Paul there in the hospitality room to dig in to a few plates of delicious food. I had my back nearly to Paul's, with me being slightly off his left shoulder. As I went to dig into my food, when my fork hit the plate the cheap plastic of the utensil had some crazy fit of spontaneous combustion and went spraying across the room. All I had left in my hand was the top half of the handle.

One of the prongs hit me, another ended up on the other side of Garland County, Kai narrowly dodged another and the last one flew past me and clanged off the back of Paul Eells' chair at approximately the speed of sound. I reached down and picked it up, then turned back around and we immediately laughed for a good five minutes, joking about how I had nearly killed Paul Eells with a plastic fork. (Sitting here reading this, the story just doesn't translate well to the Internet. You had to be there. It was hilarious. Trust me on this one.)

When relaying the story to UCA Sports Information Director Steve East later that day, I vividly remember him saying "Congratulations, you almost killed the nicest man on the planet."

That, as far as I can tell, was pretty much the universal thought on Paul Eells and – and, along with "TOUCHDOWN ARKANSAS!" – is how I'll remember him.