Posted on August 9, 2006 12:21 PM
On Saturday, Troy Aikman, Harry Carson, John Madden, Warren Moon, Reggie White and Rayfield Wright were ushered into the Hall of Fame with much pomp and circumstance in a Canton, Ohio wonderland celebration. Outside of one getting in for having his name on an awesome video game, two of these inductees were more important than the others (Wright and Aikman) and of those two, one would be the greatest player alive if it were not for his shitty Oklahoma connections.
November 21, 1966, was a great day. I know it was great because in West Covina, California, a bustling baby named Troy Kenneth Aikman was born. Lil Troy was a balla and a shotcalla. But Troy’s life came to a screeching halt as his family made a desperate and life-changing decision which almost ruined his life. They forced Troy to move with them to a farm in Henryetta, Oklahomo... I mean Oklahoma. Sorry.
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| Aikman contemplates the validity of Eazy-E's lyrics in "Boyz in the Hood" |
Henryetta was, and still is a shit hole. Troy was crushed, but his family provided him with a Redneck-to-Ebonics translator and he was determined not to be held back. He turned to sports. Troy dominated the Oklahomo high school ranks in both baseball and football, forcing his high school to retire his number. He was also involved in Future Business Leaders of America or something, but he quickly realized how gay that was and quit.
After high school, Troy’s options were laid out on the table. He could play baseball in the New York Mets organization or he could play college football. He intelligently chose football, but it ended up haunting him for a while. Oklahomo University’s ridiculous bandwagon fans pressured him into playing for Barry Switzer’s Sooners. However, Troy was unable to kick a strong cocaine habit into gear. His teammates shunned him and kept him out of the training room leading to a horrific broken leg in his Sooners debut against Miami.
Troy was pissed. When Switzer switched to a wishbone attack and won a national title, Lil Troy brought a gat into Switzer's office with full intentions of capping his ass. Switzer had Brian Bosworth tackle him, shave his head into weird eccentric designs and kick him off the team. In what turned out to be the best decision of his life, Lil Troy transferred to UCLA, where he thrived. Back to his west coast ways, he led the Bruins to a 20-4 record, including wins at the 1987 Aloha Bowl and the 1989 Cotton Bowl.
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| Bosworth is credited for saving Switzer's life. |
Aikman was in shock, though. America’s team sucked. Since Jerry Jones came in and ran off Tom Landry — the Jesus Christ of football — the Cowboys faded into oblivion. Troy shit the bed in the first year, going 0-11 while his team went 1-15.
Troy stood his ground. He was determined to transition the NFL into the gangsta era. The next year, he led the team to a convincing 7-7 record before injuring himself the first of many times. The Cowboys lost the last two games, proving that Troy Aikman was indeed their savior.
In 1991, Troy made it to the playoffs, but lost in the first round. In 1992, the unthinkable happened. Troy stayed healthy for an entire season. This enabled him to join in on the early 90’s tradition of kicking the Buffalo Bills ass in the Super Bowl. He punked out white boy poser Jim Kelly two years in a row, increasing his bling total to two.
He brought that count up to three in 1995, but it was marred by the fact that Barry Switzer was his coach again. However, with his new partners in NFL street lore, Lil Troy, Eazy E and Crack Music Irvin had such a hold on the power of the Dallas Cowboys, that Troy's dead grandmother could've coached them from the grave and received credit for it.
Lil Troy’s day in the Hall of the Fame finally came Saturday. No doubt, he has experienced quite a bit in his life so far. After living in the trashcan of America (seriously, that’s why they made the Indians go there), Troy experienced cocaine-loving teammates in both college and NFL careers which undoubtedly led to his three concussions per year late in his career. You just can't snort what you sell y'know?
Troy gives back to the kids, though. His foundation spends money on sick children in hospitals.
Yes, Mr. Aikman has a heart that King Midas would be jealous of. When he donates blood, he has to have multiple security guards on hand to make sure Mr. T doesn’t steal the liquid gold that comes out. (Rumors that Mr. T removed his chains after Katrina were greatly exaggerated.)
Troy Aikman is no longer a man, he is street legend. The Pro Football Hall of Fame will soon build a 50 foot statue outside the entrance and rename the building Aikman Land. People will forever walk upon the compound and say to their self, “Troy is the greatest man to ever play the game,” in their best NFL Films voice.
Troy is currently pursuing his options as a full time rap producer, working out of the studio in his Dallas area home.