ST LOUIS -- St. Louis Cardinals manager Tony LaRussa was elated Monday evening when he appeared outside of his home to reveal that he had succesfully taken a dump for the first time since early September.

"At first, it was just that Katrina anniversary coverage on T.V., then the 9/11 thing." LaRussa said, after wiping his ass with batting gloves on (even though no one can figure out why he even owns a pair, much less wear them). "When the team died, my sphincter tightened up so much, I couldn't even stick a pin up there."

While many had written this Cardinals squad up as the worst choke job of all time, surpassing the 1964 Philadelphia Phillies, LaRussa kept the faith.

"I had to. If I lost faith in that, then what the hell was I going to do with my bowels? They have to go somewhere."

La Russa helped ease his pain earlier on Monday, by making quick decisions on who to include on his playoff roster.

"Being able to throw Johnny Load in there helped ease my pain personally in two ways," LaRussa said. "One, he's a nice lefty to pull off the bench. A free swinger, I like that. Two, just saying 'Load' to myself several times had a lot to do with the colon easing up."

"Johnny Load" is LaRussa's suggested nickname for Cardinals outfielder John Rodriguez, who fans have politely nicknamed "J-Rod." LaRussa has used Johnny Load since late last season, when asked about the "J-Rod" nickname.

"I don't like that 'J-Rod' stuff. He's got to earn something for himself. That's copy cat stuff." He said. "I don't know, something like Johnny Load. I don't know."

LaRussa said as much as he enjoyed thinking about Rodriguez, that the pain of possibly including Jason Marquis cancelled out almost all of the positives.

"Jason needs to man up. He needs to grow a pair." The Cards manager said. "Right now, he's like an ineffective Donovan Osborne with testicular cancer... and I don't mean in a Lance Armstrong kind of way either."

LaRussa and his freshly cleared colon will manage the Cardinals later today in San Diego at 4 p.m. ET on ESPN Ocho.